Pre School, Changes & Ellie's Heart

Audrey's first week of Pre-school began a few weeks ago.

It was also....

Ellie's first week of transitioning from not having a playmate.

First week with our "new" truck.

Daddy's first week of being "home" for the summer.

Mommy's first week to try to adjust to all these changes....

Audrey was super excited even getting dressed in her "school" outfit she had chosen earlier in the day, shoes & backpack and all & waited by the door at around 7pm the night before her first day of school.... I finally got through to her that this would just be a practice and that tomorrow would be her first day of school. Eager as ever, she got ready first thing the next morning and waited by the door for the 30minutes leading up to when we were to leave... :)

Time to say goodbye to sister!

(who truly had no idea what was coming--look how happy she is to hug & say goodbye to Audrey...)

Her Daddy chose to come home one day early from a special road trip, so that he could take his darling little Audrey to school on her first day. And also, in part, because we both weren't quite sure how she--and her Mommy!--would do, emotionally on this big step being "away". (Literally, 5 houses away...)

She was so excited to start school that she apparently had to be told to turn around to say goodbye & wave for pictures her Momma requested. :)

First day of Pre-school! What a big brave girl!!

And then there were the other two of us.

Ellie & Mommy.

Crying our little eyes out on the front porch.

Not really....having Ellie sobbing her little heart out was probably a distraction from any emotion I could have had. Truly though..Ellie Lu was heartbroken!

It was one of those sad & sweet moments of motherhood.

I tried comforting...she cried harder.

I tried distracting...she cried harder.

I tried offering a snack (this girl likes food)..she ate it but continued to cry.

Then I suddenly realized...this would be the first day all Summer that I only had one child with me. Which meant I could do something I've been longing to do since last Summer! I could take my ONE child on my bike seat with me!!

So away we went, just she & I.

My baby Girl.

She finally stopped crying as we rode away, we talked about what we saw, what we heard and I kept telling her how much I Love her.

She seemed to enjoy the ride and I LOVED IT!

Then we got back to the house just in time for a little snack.

Then I noticed the time & said it was time to go get Audrey.

Ellie RAN to get her shoes & started getting whiny & crying again.

She just could not handle the change! She loves her sister so much!

On our walk back home, Audrey saw that her Daddy had begun the walk to meet us.

She started yelling to him:

"Daddy! Daddy! I'm all done with school now!"

And ran, jumping into his eager waiting arms.

PRECIOUS!

Can you bottle this sweetness up??

Then we decided to take Audrey out to celebrate her first day of school in style.

With Frozen Yogurt!

My Dad & Brother Mike just opened up a yogurt shop nearby--FroYo Nation--a few days prior, so what a perfect opportunity for us to see it for the first time & as a special celebration for Audrey!

Grandma Lu met us down there, of course!

A spoonful of sweetness, makes the tears go away!?

Daddarazzi.

Two big girls, one little spoon.

Wait a minute.

And here's what we were riding in style in!

Our "new" purdy Blue, 2nd vehicle with carseats stick shift which I am actually enjoying learning how to drive, Truck!!!

As of Today Audrey has attended 9 days of school! The first 3 weeks were "transitional" days, so they were only one or two hours.

Today was her first day of all 3 hours. She seemed tired, but said she "just loves school!"

I really could not have seen it coming that she has so easily adjusted to this new change! She was truly ready for this! We knew she would like it eventually, but by day 3 when I took her and asked her to please come back to give me a hug before she ran off into the schoolroom...I knew that she really did love it, and that I'd be fine too. :)

Ellie.... has yet to have a tear-free day with out her sister. The first few days were rough :) I spent the majority of the time Audrey was away from us, comforting her sad little sister, Ellie. We watched Sesame Street & cuddled, we ate snacks, we did puzzles and built blocks, but there were stressful off & on tears. We visited a dear friend who just had a baby, we take walks around the neighborhood and we've spent a few of the days running errands. I can tell though, that we aren't in a good groove quite yet. Ellie is so emotional on Audrey's school days. My intention is that Ellie & I can have a sort of fun Mommy/Ellie time at home, maybe even doing our own school-at-home projects. Potty training was also on the to-do list this fall, but there seems to be too much going on to begin something big like that just yet. Maybe in another few weeks...

Audrey Lynn--your Daddy & I are so proud of you! On your very first day of school your two teachers told me you had "mastered it all & wanted to begin teaching the other children!" I was not surprised to hear that! :) And every day thereafter they have made similar comments about how well you are doing. You are like a little sponge, soaking all of the Goodness of the world in. And your Kindness to others is evident. I love that you love school! I pray for you every day you are away from me. Just know that we are proud of who God created--Beautiful You!!

Love, Your Momma who misses you.

Ellie Lu--We'll get there soon. I promise. We'll enjoy the time we have together before another big change comes and alters it for us. I plan to get to know you better and snuggle you up lots during this season. So please let me. My heart breaks when yours does, but we will be fine. Thank you for loving your sister so deeply! You are a Gift!

Love, Your Momma.

EllieLu, my darling daughter.

I keep thinking you've maxed out your "cuteness" then another day surprises me with a few new words you've put together, an eagerness to help, a simple kind gesture towards your sister, or those darned beautifully long eyelashes grow--what seems like--another inch.

You make me laugh, frustrate me, and melt my heart all in a matter of seconds.

You are so very very very Loved.

And your life is a complete blessing to me and our family.

We are so glad you are ours!!!

I was going through some recent pictures and found a few of my favorites to share with the world on your 2nd birthday (yesterday)....

Nothing but an "E" thang baby.

Sweeter than sweet!

This is the quirky smile given lately when asked to smile, with your teeth.

It's adorably forceful.

Oh Ellie Belly Lu-Lu,

Your Momma Loves You Oh-So-Very-Very-Very Much!!!!!

Can't wait to see what year TWO brings us!!

Ellie Lu 23 Months

Ellie Lu,
How did you get to be so darn adorable? You've always been cute, but you are just becoming such a funny little sweet person. Lately you are trying to tell me you need to be potty trained. You take your own diapers off and walk into the bathroom. Soon we will really spend some time going potty the right way, rather than it resulting in a disenfecting of the entire bathroom, tub and your little messy body. You have the sweetest full-hearted laugh and it always comes as a surprise to me since the funniest things make you laugh. You actually enjoy reading stories from start to finish lately, which is a remarkable way to indicate you really are growing up! You can sing all of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Happy Birthday and most of the Sesame Street Theme Song! You can also count to 10 (skipping 7..) and love love love playing Hide & Seek. The other day I was hiding with you as we waited for Audrey to find us... you began yelling "Auuuudie! Come Seek me!!" I love that you are putting little words together. It's adorably charming. You also insist on doing everything yourself. The phrase "I do it felf" has now turned into "I do it first". Which you are right about, since more times than not you then ask me to help you... You do try hard to do everything yourself first, including going to get your bathroom step stool and carrying it around the house whenever you need to reach something up high. This fall you will lose your favorite playmate 3 days out of the week, for 3 hours out of the day as Big Sister goes off to preschool. This will be a change for us both at first, but I am so so so looking forward to us having that special time together!!

Please keep giving me this goofy teethy grin of yours, it fills my heart up with more Joy than you could possibly ever know...

XOXOXO

Mommy

Oh Ellie Belle

Dear Ellie, I don't want to forget the little things that you enjoy doing lately. Like, trying on everyone's shoes in the house. Or running as fast as you can, but still unable to cut corners, which results in hip checks and elbow bruises from those darned walls that keep getting in the way. I don't want to forget how you can go from a serious look to an obnoxious laugh at your sister's antics. I don't want to forget how your sister has renamed you "Elk" and insists on calling you that. I want to remember that you accurately & proudly use new words like "Look Mommy, see?" and "I wan go potty..Mommy, come on" as you reach for my hand to accompany you. I don't want to forget how you love to run into a room yelling "Fee Fi Fo Fum!!" I want to cherish your littleness, because before I know it all these little things will change.

4 Kisses

Dear Ellie Lu Bear,

Do you mind that I can't stop staring at you lately? I have your face well memorized by now. Not in the--finally after 19 months I can recognize your face in a crowd--memorize. But a--I know I can make you give me a certain look if I do this or that--memorize. A kind of familiarity that assures me you are mine and I am yours. Every speck of color in your eye I have memorized (green, blue, brown). Your nose shape. Your hairline. Your soft pink cheeks. Every bit of you is beautiful to me. I know you will only allow a certain number of kisses before I get pushed away. I'm okay with that number now.

I know all Mom's probably go in & out of trying to make up one-on-one time with their 2nd born. I am no exception. A few weeks ago it was Crystal Light. I would sneak a little bit into your water sippy cup, give you a wink which was met with your smile. Your smart big sister figured it out at some point and the trick was over.

The other day while your Sister was sleeping, I brought you into the shower with me. While my other girlie would have lasted a whole 3 minutes before she'd cry and cry and beg to get out due to water in the eyes, you loved it. We played, we cleaned. We hugged. Maybe that could be our "thing" now, until we are discovered. Shower Hour. Bring your sweet cheeks and smiley wet face :)

I Love you Ellie. You are becoming so much of what I didn't know I needed my whole life.

You are you and a Beautiful You, you are.

Ellie is ONE!

SEPTEMBER 12th~~ Ellie is ONE!!

Dearest Ellie Lu-

A few days ago I tried to upload a bunch of pictures from your Birthday party last week and began writing little tidbits about your year...and then the internet froze up and it all got deleted. Frustrated, I began to try to summarize what I had just done. But then I got to thinking, that is exactly how this year has gone for me. I had a plan, a vision, a goal of what the last 12 months were going to be like for you & me...and things were different. Things were difficult for me, that I hadn't thought would be. Moments I had previously worried over, came easier than I had imagined. But I have to tell you, baby girl, I am loving getting to know you & cannot imagine a day with out you! All 19 pounds of you have stolen my heart. I melt when you look at me the way you do. We have something special between us and I can only imagine how God will continue to grow you, nurture our relationship and bless the coming year! You have come so far from day 1, a sweet little face curious about this big bright world. You are an even sweeter face today and even more ready to take on this world before you. Thank you for letting me be apart of your world, I love being your Mommy! In short, I simply adore you and am looking forward to watching you take on year TWO, I have a feeling it's going to give us a run for our money! Happy Birthday little girl, I'm as ready as I can be so let's go!

Love, Momma

PS One thing I know for sure is that I Love Loving you.

Corn on the Cob Cuteness

Dear Audrey & Ellie Lu,

Just when I think you girls could not possibly get any cuter... you have your first corn on the cob tonight. Absolutely adorable. Audrey, you seemed a bit nervous biting into, although you lovvved posing for pictures with your cob. Ellie, you dove in like a champ finishing yours, sister's and whatever kernels you could find left on mine! Yup, you girls are about the cutest thing doing just about anything....but I'd say eating corn on the cob falls somewhere at the top of the cute list. :)

Love,

Your Mama

on Knowing One, Learning Another

Those that read my blogs can tell that I adore both of my children, with out question, equally. Right?

Those that know me well can tell that I give my all, day in & day out with equal amounts of energy to my two little beloveds. Right?

But the truth is, those very few select people that are the absolute closest to me and know my heart, know that raising Ellie Lu and caring for her has been harder for me, and very unequal to Audrey. Unequal, in this context means that it has been dramatically different..which has made it a harder learning process. This is not about favorites. They are both my little Gifts.

The deep Love is Automatically the same.

But they are two totally different girls, so naturally our relationship is going to be different. I, however, was not prepared for that. Aaron & I have this joke: "..and then there's Ellie" for just about everything. To be dramatic, but semi-true, she has not needed me from the start. (See below..)

I felt closer than close to Audrey since I peed and 2 lines appeared.

Is this too personal?

Oh well, it shows my complete joy from day 1, and thats the point.

And since then, I imagined a strong connection to all my children to be just like it has been with Audrey. This sweet face is all I'd ever known!

We are sillier than silly, we have a great time and we get each other. However, it has been a slow process of feeling like I "get" Ellie. It's not so much I haven't felt bonded to my Ellie Lu, it's that I have spent SO much time & energy caring for Audrey's needy sensitive needs, Ellie has just sort of squeezed her way into the world I've known for the past 3 years. And she has less needs and therefore shows much more independence at an early age. Selfishly, my heart longs for her dependence on me, and I daily continue to pursue her. (example: I hold her close to me as long as she will allow..we usually max out at 4 seconds.) However.....It's not a matter of who needs me more & therefore who I feel closer to, I am learning that it actually has a lot more to do with knowing Audrey and learning Ellie and I feel I'd like to try to put my thoughts & feelings into words for the first time:

(This may come across as me being self-centered and maybe even a little bit pathetic, but it is my emotions, straight from my Mommas Heart...And it's for my Sweet Ellie Lu to know how much I truly, truly Love her & long to let her have me love her deeply)

Before Ellie's arrival, Audrey had been all I have ever known, experienced and LOVED as a Mother. She makes being a Mom so fun and enjoyable and her emerging personality fits mine so well....we are like two peas in a pod! She needs me and we are close.

Sweet Audrey Lynn has had "issues" literally her entire little life. Not many people know but in the womb, at our first ultrasound, we were told she has some traits that match that of a down syndrome child with added calcifications on her heart as well as a slow to function kidney. I remember instantly feeling close to her, my first instinct was to protect her from this world. She needed me. There were a huge mix of emotions from that ultrasound to our follow-up ultrasound a week later at Emmanuel Hospital's "high risk pregnancy" office.

In that week: I cried a lot, our "perfect" healthy beloved first born may not be just that. I researched a lot. I sat in the public library for hours reading stories on mother's with down syndrome babies and children and life as adults. I did a lot of talking with God. By the end of the week that led up to our follow-up appointment, the Lord had eased many fears & so graciously had given me an excitement at the possibility to love on this down syndrome child...our child! We decided to treat our 2nd appointment as just an opportunity to "see" our precious child again.

(Alas, the professional technician concluded that among a long list of down syndrome symptoms our child's symptoms were nothing to worry about and that because ultrasounds are fairly new "there are probably many healthy adults walking around with these same symptoms.")

Months later, it was birthing time. Once we arrived to the hospital and monitors were beeping away, there was a lot of concern about her heart rate. The umbilical cord was wrapped several times around her neck and shoulder, I was given oxygen with hopes it would reach her & assisted in several different positions to try to unravel her. Nothing seemed to help & with each contraction she was being squeezed with her heart rate dropping. Quickly. Things picked up and she was born quick enough to need no intervention.

She was blue, but born. Praise God for her birth!

Flash forward to her first cold at 9 months, which turned into her first bat with pneumonia, her first hospitalization and the first time someone mentioned the possibility of having Cystic Fibrosis... Wikipedia says: Cystic fibrosis (also known as CF) is a common disease which affects the entire body, causing progressive disability and often early death.... Ginny Mommy says: tears, cry, tears, lots more research, lots more talking with God, tears.

A few hospitalizations later, suspicion grew and appointments were scheduled. Ultimately, tests conclude she does not have CF. THANK YOU JESUS! But we all know the story does not end there and there have since been many more hospital stays, ER visits and countless antibiotics prescribed for upper respiratory infections.
And let's not forget the daily battle to maintain her asthma.

In a heartbeat, I would take all that we've been through with Audrey's illnesses away from our memories, and the issues her body has endured to never have happened. But the truth is, these moments have shaped us all and grown us all closer together. And with each sickness she has learned to trust us and she has needed me more. I am the one she clings to when tests are done, I am the one she begs for when someone unfamiliar in scrubs is doing anything to her. I am the name she sobs with piercing "please help me!" eyes. I am the one who acts calm for her when she is scared.

I am her comfort and she clearly needs me. We are close.

And then there's Ellie.........

This "happy surprise" pregnancy initially made me cry overwhelmed tears. But I just knew I would adore her from the start. How could I not? She is a gift! Pregnancy went fairly well. Despite being initially sicker than my first pregnancy, a few fainting spells in public places (due to a drop in blood sugar both times), and a super rambunctious soccer player hanging out in my uterus, I had little complaints.

Yes, he's responsible. And proud of it.

Then it was birthing time. Once we arrived at the hospital, the nurses were not able to complete my paperwork because she was born so fast. I hardly had to push to get her to be born (4x I think??). She cut herself off breastfeeding at around 4months. She has always pushed away from me from the time her little arms had strength to do so. I used to get daily scratches on my face from her flailing arms and fingers. Way different then my slow-to-move baby Audrey and much different than her very deliberate movements. Ellie has in fact, viciously broken 2 sets of glasses right off my face, and more recently my only good pair of sunglasses into an amazing 5 pieces in a matter of a split second off my face and into her hands. I am constantly dodging her flailing hands. This girl has got a grip! She pinches noses, hard. She has drawn blood more than once from everyone in our home. And oh does she pull hair.... I still try to hold & rock her before bed some nights because it does my heart good but she practically lunges out of my arms towards her crib. So many funny differences, where to start.....

Audrey had little interest in crawling and could sit and play forever. Ellie is not a sitter. She isn't a fan of most toys & would prefer to jet across the room at some hazard, since being 6 months old. She tries to climb. Enough said.

Audrey used to fall asleep nursing, thus more stimulation, thus longer ability to nurse her. Ellie would be alert the whole time and cry flailing around slapping me and pinching anything in sight if the milk flow was declining as if I was starving her until the following feeding.

Audrey & I used to practically drink her bottles together :) Once she could hold the bottle herself, I would lay beside her and hold her kissing her all over her face with the occasional taste of formula as her mouth slightly opened while she smiled, soaking her Momma's love in. (Grossed out? Don't be, it's MommaLove! haha) As you can imagine, kissing Ellie's face while bottle feeding = flailing, more scratches & pushes away.

Ellie got her first TWO teeth in at the same time never making a peep about it, even while also having a slight fever. Audrey has been milking a very fully-recovered injury from weeks ago, telling everyone in sight what happened & reminding us daily.

Maybe we will always have a baby in the house.... ;)

Ellie, they say, had impressive neck strength and impeccable tracking abilities since birth. Audrey had a weird rare weak muscle thing in her neck first few weeks of her life, we were taught different therapies to stretch it out.

Audrey has been our little talker from a very early age, while Ellie has clearly been more about "doing" than sitting around staring at Momma's mouth while I repeat words slowwwly.

Busy, busy.

Always yanking on the camera strap.

Audrey has now graduated from sobbing on the ground in the fetal position rocking back & forth at even the word "vacuum" (no joke) to now running out of the room with fingers shoved into her ear drums until I announce "all done!".

Ellie laughs and crawls towards the roar of the vacuum......

I cannot express this enough. These two girls are SO very different already. Audrey has always needed me to guide her way! Ellie....not so much. How could I have thought that my children would be the same? For some reason, I did. And I think the reason why it's been difficult for me is because I have felt closest to Audrey when I am caring for her in her (our) darkest hour. When Audrey is crying her head off I am able to comfort & calm her back down at the sound of my soothing words and gentle touch. Ellie does not cry too often (blessed to have a happy baby--for sure), but when she has cried her head off in the past the only thing that works is to simply put her down in her crib so she can suck her own thumb, turn away from you, and soothe herself. I have expressed this to some Mom's and been met with "wow, lucky you!" "I wish my child didn't need me like that!" and "how do you get her to soothe herself?" ...but the truth, as odd as this sounds, the hardest part, thus far, about balancing my two children is that my 2nd born soothes herself!

Example: Besides that lovely newborn stage where they fall asleep every 8 minutes on whoever, wherever, Ellie has never been one to fall asleep on me. I've longed for that. I've even tried to force it and been met with disappointment as I yet again realize she would simply fall asleep if I just laid her down. A few weeks ago, however, Miss Ellie Lu was getting more teeth in and had a slight fever and after comforting and soothing my tearful girl, low and behold she fell asleep ON ME! Despite the sad reason, I was thrilled she found comfort in me!! It was such a rare occurrence I actually snapped a picture:

She needs me, I know she does, I'm her Mom for goodness sake! :) But we have definitely had a different last 11 months than Audrey & I did. My heart knew Audrey so well, so it has been a change to try to readjust to Ellie's emerging personality. But I am Thankful for many differences. Most definitely, Ellie Lu has recovered quickly from minor colds and is so eager to learn about the world around her. I'm just trying to keep up with her cute self and taking every opportunity when she indicates she DOES need me as another sign that we are getting closer to being closer :)

Although, you may still hear the echo of me saying "Please Ellie....please sweetheart, just let me hold you. Come on, let me hug you...see? isn't this nice?.." Pretty much each time I pick her up. Aaron laughs. It makes me laugh now too.

But come on, let me love on you already!!!!!!! :)

My highlight of this week: Ellie now deliberately says "Mammma". And by says, I really mean yells it. Did I mention her love language thus far has been yelling? Some may say screaming, really. We call them happy screams since she is not upset, in fact she is usually smiling and acting like she is trying to make a point. Oh & she can now say "up!" when reaching for none other than, me. :) Even if as soon as we turn the corner out of her room she is saying "sissy...sissssysissy...!" with big smiles lunging out of my arms & towards her big sister. :)

And then there's Ellie.............