Those that know me well can tell that I give my all, day in & day out with equal amounts of energy to my two little beloveds. Right?
But the truth is, those very few select people that are the absolute closest to me and know my heart, know that raising Ellie Lu and caring for her has been harder for me, and very unequal to Audrey. Unequal, in this context means that it has been dramatically different..which has made it a harder learning process. This is not about favorites. They are both my little Gifts.
The deep Love is Automatically the same.
But they are two totally different girls, so naturally our relationship is going to be different. I, however, was not prepared for that. Aaron & I have this joke: "..and then there's Ellie" for just about everything. To be dramatic, but semi-true, she has not needed me from the start. (See below..)
I felt closer than close to Audrey since I peed and 2 lines appeared.
Is this too personal? Oh well, it shows my complete joy from day 1, and thats the point.
And since then, I imagined a strong connection to all my children to be just like it has been with Audrey. This sweet face is all I'd ever known!
We are sillier than silly, we have a great time and we get each other. However, it has been a slow process of feeling like I "get" Ellie. It's not so much I haven't felt bonded to my Ellie Lu, it's that I have spent SO much time & energy caring for Audrey's needy sensitive needs, Ellie has just sort of squeezed her way into the world I've known for the past 3 years. And she has less needs and therefore shows much more independence at an early age. Selfishly, my heart longs for her dependence on me, and I daily continue to pursue her. (example: I hold her close to me as long as she will allow..we usually max out at 4 seconds.) However.....It's not a matter of who needs me more & therefore who I feel closer to, I am learning that it actually has a lot more to do with knowing Audrey and learning Ellie and I feel I'd like to try to put my thoughts & feelings into words for the first time:
(This may come across as me being self-centered and maybe even a little bit pathetic, but it is my emotions, straight from my Mommas Heart...And it's for my Sweet Ellie Lu to know how much I truly, truly Love her & long to let her have me love her deeply)
Before Ellie's arrival, Audrey had been all I have ever known, experienced and LOVED as a Mother. She makes being a Mom so fun and enjoyable and her emerging personality fits mine so well....we are like two peas in a pod! She needs me and we are close.
Sweet Audrey Lynn has had "issues" literally her entire little life. Not many people know but in the womb, at our first ultrasound, we were told she has some traits that match that of a down syndrome child with added calcifications on her heart as well as a slow to function kidney. I remember instantly feeling close to her, my first instinct was to protect her from this world. She needed me. There were a huge mix of emotions from that ultrasound to our follow-up ultrasound a week later at Emmanuel Hospital's "high risk pregnancy" office.
Flash forward to her first cold at 9 months, which turned into her first bat with pneumonia, her first hospitalization and the first time someone mentioned the possibility of having Cystic Fibrosis... Wikipedia says: Cystic fibrosis (also known as CF) is a common disease which affects the entire body, causing progressive disability and often early death.... Ginny Mommy says: tears, cry, tears, lots more research, lots more talking with God, tears.
A few hospitalizations later, suspicion grew and appointments were scheduled. Ultimately, tests conclude she does not have CF. THANK YOU JESUS! But we all know the story does not end there and there have since been many more hospital stays, ER visits and countless antibiotics prescribed for upper respiratory infections.
And let's not forget the daily battle to maintain her asthma.
Yes, he's responsible. And proud of it.
Then it was birthing time. Once we arrived at the hospital, the nurses were not able to complete my paperwork because she was born so fast. I hardly had to push to get her to be born (4x I think??). She cut herself off breastfeeding at around 4months. She has always pushed away from me from the time her little arms had strength to do so. I used to get daily scratches on my face from her flailing arms and fingers. Way different then my slow-to-move baby Audrey and much different than her very deliberate movements. Ellie has in fact, viciously broken 2 sets of glasses right off my face, and more recently my only good pair of sunglasses into an amazing 5 pieces in a matter of a split second off my face and into her hands. I am constantly dodging her flailing hands. This girl has got a grip! She pinches noses, hard. She has drawn blood more than once from everyone in our home. And oh does she pull hair.... I still try to hold & rock her before bed some nights because it does my heart good but she practically lunges out of my arms towards her crib. So many funny differences, where to start.....
Busy, busy.
Always yanking on the camera strap.
I cannot express this enough. These two girls are SO very different already. Audrey has always needed me to guide her way! Ellie....not so much. How could I have thought that my children would be the same? For some reason, I did. And I think the reason why it's been difficult for me is because I have felt closest to Audrey when I am caring for her in her (our) darkest hour. When Audrey is crying her head off I am able to comfort & calm her back down at the sound of my soothing words and gentle touch. Ellie does not cry too often (blessed to have a happy baby--for sure), but when she has cried her head off in the past the only thing that works is to simply put her down in her crib so she can suck her own thumb, turn away from you, and soothe herself. I have expressed this to some Mom's and been met with "wow, lucky you!" "I wish my child didn't need me like that!" and "how do you get her to soothe herself?" ...but the truth, as odd as this sounds, the hardest part, thus far, about balancing my two children is that my 2nd born soothes herself!
Example: Besides that lovely newborn stage where they fall asleep every 8 minutes on whoever, wherever, Ellie has never been one to fall asleep on me. I've longed for that. I've even tried to force it and been met with disappointment as I yet again realize she would simply fall asleep if I just laid her down. A few weeks ago, however, Miss Ellie Lu was getting more teeth in and had a slight fever and after comforting and soothing my tearful girl, low and behold she fell asleep ON ME! Despite the sad reason, I was thrilled she found comfort in me!! It was such a rare occurrence I actually snapped a picture:
She needs me, I know she does, I'm her Mom for goodness sake! :) But we have definitely had a different last 11 months than Audrey & I did. My heart knew Audrey so well, so it has been a change to try to readjust to Ellie's emerging personality. But I am Thankful for many differences. Most definitely, Ellie Lu has recovered quickly from minor colds and is so eager to learn about the world around her. I'm just trying to keep up with her cute self and taking every opportunity when she indicates she DOES need me as another sign that we are getting closer to being closer :) 
Although, you may still hear the echo of me saying "Please Ellie....please sweetheart, just let me hold you. Come on, let me hug you...see? isn't this nice?.." Pretty much each time I pick her up. Aaron laughs. It makes me laugh now too.
And since then, I imagined a strong connection to all my children to be just like it has been with Audrey. This sweet face is all I'd ever known!
We are sillier than silly, we have a great time and we get each other. However, it has been a slow process of feeling like I "get" Ellie. It's not so much I haven't felt bonded to my Ellie Lu, it's that I have spent SO much time & energy caring for Audrey's needy sensitive needs, Ellie has just sort of squeezed her way into the world I've known for the past 3 years. And she has less needs and therefore shows much more independence at an early age. Selfishly, my heart longs for her dependence on me, and I daily continue to pursue her. (example: I hold her close to me as long as she will allow..we usually max out at 4 seconds.) However.....It's not a matter of who needs me more & therefore who I feel closer to, I am learning that it actually has a lot more to do with knowing Audrey and learning Ellie and I feel I'd like to try to put my thoughts & feelings into words for the first time:
(This may come across as me being self-centered and maybe even a little bit pathetic, but it is my emotions, straight from my Mommas Heart...And it's for my Sweet Ellie Lu to know how much I truly, truly Love her & long to let her have me love her deeply)
Before Ellie's arrival, Audrey had been all I have ever known, experienced and LOVED as a Mother. She makes being a Mom so fun and enjoyable and her emerging personality fits mine so well....we are like two peas in a pod! She needs me and we are close.
Sweet Audrey Lynn has had "issues" literally her entire little life. Not many people know but in the womb, at our first ultrasound, we were told she has some traits that match that of a down syndrome child with added calcifications on her heart as well as a slow to function kidney. I remember instantly feeling close to her, my first instinct was to protect her from this world. She needed me. There were a huge mix of emotions from that ultrasound to our follow-up ultrasound a week later at Emmanuel Hospital's "high risk pregnancy" office.
In that week: I cried a lot, our "perfect" healthy beloved first born may not be just that. I researched a lot. I sat in the public library for hours reading stories on mother's with down syndrome babies and children and life as adults. I did a lot of talking with God. By the end of the week that led up to our follow-up appointment, the Lord had eased many fears & so graciously had given me an excitement at the possibility to love on this down syndrome child...our child! We decided to treat our 2nd appointment as just an opportunity to "see" our precious child again.
(Alas, the professional technician concluded that among a long list of down syndrome symptoms our child's symptoms were nothing to worry about and that because ultrasounds are fairly new "there are probably many healthy adults walking around with these same symptoms.")
Months later, it was birthing time. Once we arrived to the hospital and monitors were beeping away, there was a lot of concern about her heart rate. The umbilical cord was wrapped several times around her neck and shoulder, I was given oxygen with hopes it would reach her & assisted in several different positions to try to unravel her. Nothing seemed to help & with each contraction she was being squeezed with her heart rate dropping. Quickly. Things picked up and she was born quick enough to need no intervention.
She was blue, but born. Praise God for her birth!
Flash forward to her first cold at 9 months, which turned into her first bat with pneumonia, her first hospitalization and the first time someone mentioned the possibility of having Cystic Fibrosis... Wikipedia says: Cystic fibrosis (also known as CF) is a common disease which affects the entire body, causing progressive disability and often early death.... Ginny Mommy says: tears, cry, tears, lots more research, lots more talking with God, tears.
A few hospitalizations later, suspicion grew and appointments were scheduled. Ultimately, tests conclude she does not have CF. THANK YOU JESUS! But we all know the story does not end there and there have since been many more hospital stays, ER visits and countless antibiotics prescribed for upper respiratory infections.
And let's not forget the daily battle to maintain her asthma.
In a heartbeat, I would take all that we've been through with Audrey's illnesses away from our memories, and the issues her body has endured to never have happened. But the truth is, these moments have shaped us all and grown us all closer together. And with each sickness she has learned to trust us and she has needed me more. I am the one she clings to when tests are done, I am the one she begs for when someone unfamiliar in scrubs is doing anything to her. I am the name she sobs with piercing "please help me!" eyes. I am the one who acts calm for her when she is scared.
I am her comfort and she clearly needs me. We are close.
And then there's Ellie.........
This "happy surprise" pregnancy initially made me cry overwhelmed tears. But I just knew I would adore her from the start. How could I not? She is a gift! Pregnancy went fairly well. Despite being initially sicker than my first pregnancy, a few fainting spells in public places (due to a drop in blood sugar both times), and a super rambunctious soccer player hanging out in my uterus, I had little complaints.
And then there's Ellie.........
This "happy surprise" pregnancy initially made me cry overwhelmed tears. But I just knew I would adore her from the start. How could I not? She is a gift! Pregnancy went fairly well. Despite being initially sicker than my first pregnancy, a few fainting spells in public places (due to a drop in blood sugar both times), and a super rambunctious soccer player hanging out in my uterus, I had little complaints.
Yes, he's responsible. And proud of it.Then it was birthing time. Once we arrived at the hospital, the nurses were not able to complete my paperwork because she was born so fast. I hardly had to push to get her to be born (4x I think??). She cut herself off breastfeeding at around 4months. She has always pushed away from me from the time her little arms had strength to do so. I used to get daily scratches on my face from her flailing arms and fingers. Way different then my slow-to-move baby Audrey and much different than her very deliberate movements. Ellie has in fact, viciously broken 2 sets of glasses right off my face, and more recently my only good pair of sunglasses into an amazing 5 pieces in a matter of a split second off my face and into her hands. I am constantly dodging her flailing hands. This girl has got a grip! She pinches noses, hard. She has drawn blood more than once from everyone in our home. And oh does she pull hair.... I still try to hold & rock her before bed some nights because it does my heart good but she practically lunges out of my arms towards her crib. So many funny differences, where to start.....
Audrey had little interest in crawling and could sit and play forever. Ellie is not a sitter. She isn't a fan of most toys & would prefer to jet across the room at some hazard, since being 6 months old. She tries to climb. Enough said.
Audrey used to fall asleep nursing, thus more stimulation, thus longer ability to nurse her. Ellie would be alert the whole time and cry flailing around slapping me and pinching anything in sight if the milk flow was declining as if I was starving her until the following feeding.
Audrey & I used to practically drink her bottles together :) Once she could hold the bottle herself, I would lay beside her and hold her kissing her all over her face with the occasional taste of formula as her mouth slightly opened while she smiled, soaking her Momma's love in. (Grossed out? Don't be, it's MommaLove! haha) As you can imagine, kissing Ellie's face while bottle feeding = flailing, more scratches & pushes away.
Ellie got her first TWO teeth in at the same time never making a peep about it, even while also having a slight fever. Audrey has been milking a very fully-recovered injury from weeks ago, telling everyone in sight what happened & reminding us daily.
Maybe we will always have a baby in the house.... ;)
Ellie, they say, had impressive neck strength and impeccable tracking abilities since birth. Audrey had a weird rare weak muscle thing in her neck first few weeks of her life, we were taught different therapies to stretch it out.
Audrey has been our little talker from a very early age, while Ellie has clearly been more about "doing" than sitting around staring at Momma's mouth while I repeat words slowwwly.
Busy, busy.
Always yanking on the camera strap.
Audrey has now graduated from sobbing on the ground in the fetal position rocking back & forth at even the word "vacuum" (no joke) to now running out of the room with fingers shoved into her ear drums until I announce "all done!".
Ellie laughs and crawls towards the roar of the vacuum......
I cannot express this enough. These two girls are SO very different already. Audrey has always needed me to guide her way! Ellie....not so much. How could I have thought that my children would be the same? For some reason, I did. And I think the reason why it's been difficult for me is because I have felt closest to Audrey when I am caring for her in her (our) darkest hour. When Audrey is crying her head off I am able to comfort & calm her back down at the sound of my soothing words and gentle touch. Ellie does not cry too often (blessed to have a happy baby--for sure), but when she has cried her head off in the past the only thing that works is to simply put her down in her crib so she can suck her own thumb, turn away from you, and soothe herself. I have expressed this to some Mom's and been met with "wow, lucky you!" "I wish my child didn't need me like that!" and "how do you get her to soothe herself?" ...but the truth, as odd as this sounds, the hardest part, thus far, about balancing my two children is that my 2nd born soothes herself!
Example: Besides that lovely newborn stage where they fall asleep every 8 minutes on whoever, wherever, Ellie has never been one to fall asleep on me. I've longed for that. I've even tried to force it and been met with disappointment as I yet again realize she would simply fall asleep if I just laid her down. A few weeks ago, however, Miss Ellie Lu was getting more teeth in and had a slight fever and after comforting and soothing my tearful girl, low and behold she fell asleep ON ME! Despite the sad reason, I was thrilled she found comfort in me!! It was such a rare occurrence I actually snapped a picture:
She needs me, I know she does, I'm her Mom for goodness sake! :) But we have definitely had a different last 11 months than Audrey & I did. My heart knew Audrey so well, so it has been a change to try to readjust to Ellie's emerging personality. But I am Thankful for many differences. Most definitely, Ellie Lu has recovered quickly from minor colds and is so eager to learn about the world around her. I'm just trying to keep up with her cute self and taking every opportunity when she indicates she DOES need me as another sign that we are getting closer to being closer :) 
Although, you may still hear the echo of me saying "Please Ellie....please sweetheart, just let me hold you. Come on, let me hug you...see? isn't this nice?.." Pretty much each time I pick her up. Aaron laughs. It makes me laugh now too. But come on, let me love on you already!!!!!!! :)
My highlight of this week: Ellie now deliberately says "Mammma". And by says, I really mean yells it. Did I mention her love language thus far has been yelling? Some may say screaming, really. We call them happy screams since she is not upset, in fact she is usually smiling and acting like she is trying to make a point. Oh & she can now say "up!" when reaching for none other than, me. :) Even if as soon as we turn the corner out of her room she is saying "sissy...sissssysissy...!" with big smiles lunging out of my arms & towards her big sister. :)
My highlight of this week: Ellie now deliberately says "Mammma". And by says, I really mean yells it. Did I mention her love language thus far has been yelling? Some may say screaming, really. We call them happy screams since she is not upset, in fact she is usually smiling and acting like she is trying to make a point. Oh & she can now say "up!" when reaching for none other than, me. :) Even if as soon as we turn the corner out of her room she is saying "sissy...sissssysissy...!" with big smiles lunging out of my arms & towards her big sister. :) And then there's Ellie.............
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