Tired & Humbled: Momma Thoughts on More Children.

God's a funny man.

Every single time, with out fail, that I have ever even remotely expressed/written or even thought that I am the most patient mother in the universe, I am quickly--sometimes very quickly--reminded that I am in fact not. I am not patient.

I AM NOT PATIENT!

I actually am pretty patient....which I say very quietly and hesitantly....but lately I am reminded that I am not as patient a Mommy as I thought I was under trying times.

Both of the Little Girlies are sick right now. Sometimes my "humble reminders" come in the form of sickness, and this time is one of those times. Now before I go on, let me assure you that just because the Girls get sick in the future doesn't, necessarily, mean that I have shouted from the rooftops something along the lines of, "This is Easy! Give me a challenge!". But today I am going to confess that may be partially the truth.

Last weekend I was able to go away with 8 other girls, all Mommas, to a beautiful favorite beach not too far away. We had no husbands, no children, no napping/meal schedules, no rules! It was a refreshing change of scenery, and a wonderful opportunity to hear the hearts of these woman as well as laugh a ton, eat yummy food, drink good champagne & wine and simply, Relax. Besides building the friendships, I still can't decide what my favorite part about the weekend was, the surprisingly beautiful weather, having others cook for me or sleeping in until 9:30!!!! But none-the-less it was a great weekend.

During one of our lengthy conversations about our children who weren't there (of course they still came up lots and lots in convo!), the question was posed to the group: "Do you want to have any more children?" Every girl there has 2 children besides one girl who has 3. We all went around and gave our answer. They were all similar answers, phrased slightly differently...

"No, we're done."

"We'll probably have one more."

"We're okay with more, but we feel done right now."

etc. etc.

Then it was my turn to answer. I smiled and confidently said:

"I feel like I'm just getting started!"

Honestly, most days I do. I love so many parts about being a Mommy, I feel like I have SO much overflowing love for my two girls right now. I feel excited at the possibility to love on an entirely different little person. Oh I can only imagine what other child is waiting for me to Love them! I sometimes feel sad imagining myself "out" of this stage of my life, this child rearing babyhood/toddler years. Every once in awhile Aaron and I talk about what 3 children might look like for our family. I sometimes feel sad thinking about going through this short period of time only "one more time". Being apart of the miracle of a Life! Going through pregnancy, labor (yes I said labor), birthing and those first weeks of blurriness that you never, ever get back with that child. I sometimes daydream about the newness of a tiny newborn again and how exciting each and every little movement or sound or facial expression is.

When I see a pregnant Momma with her first child...

I put myself back to that unsure, emotional time of excitement and unknowns and so many "what if" questions. And then I think to hours after giving birth, holding this tiny little Gift in my arms and vividly remembering how beautifully perfect everything seemed. I try to imagine what is going through a pregnant Mommy's mind and sometimes send them mental thoughts of "You have no idea what is coming & life will never be the same....but it is going to be okay. And so much of your new life is going to be far better than you could have ever dreamt."

When I see a pregnant Momma with a young toddler...

I think back to the unknowns of how to balance it all, how to make each child feel loved and cared for, and how on earth will I ever sleep again? I send that Mommy mental thoughts of "You are doubting every bit of yourself and thinking back to the challenging parts of having a newborn, but with time, it will truly be easier than you thought...You are going into this baby with experience and wisdom...You will be fine."

Basically a lot of my friends think I'm well, a little crazy. I continue to hear phrases like "I just want to pop them out already so I can move on with my life!". It makes me sad for these Moms because I hope they are not missing out on the littlest of little details that sometimes make the days seem really long. All to "get on with" their lives?? I sure hope their children don't feel that way. It makes me sad that some woman do not enjoy Motherhood. It's not all roses and jelly beans over here day in and day out, but I cherish so much of the littlest gestures Audrey will make or the funniest look Ellie gives when she is in trouble, that I am in awe at how meaningful my role is as their Mother. And it reminds me that I am made for this.

Truly. It's the only thing I absolutely know for sure. I was created to be a Mom. Their Mom. That doesn't mean I'm great at it. I sometimes discipline inconsistently, I sometimes give in when I have previously stated reasons why the answer is "no" very firmly... I never get up before the girls anymore, they are my alarm clocks. I sometimes shut the gate to the kitchen & instruct no one to come in only so I can push all the buttons on the coffee maker all by myself and pour the sugar all by myself and stir everything and not make a single mess! I sometimes turn on cartoons first thing in the morning and show after show will go on before I realize I got so sleepy sitting there with them that I forgot to make breakfast! I sometimes am in the middle of a phone call or texting conversation with a Mommy-friend and realize messes are being made, things are broken and Audrey is learning phrases like "Mom, pay attention to me!" I am disorganized and my home is often untidy.

I have plenty, plenty! of faults and lazy tendencies. But I also have a lot of Love.

So back to my little comment at the beach house?

I'm Just Getting Started??

How completely arrogant! Why couldn't I have just said "Oh we'd like to have more eventually" or something vague like "If it happens it happens!"

But no, I have to have this Little House on the Prairie image of the big farmhouse with a dozen of our well-behaved HEALTHY little helper children running around in their homemade dresses drinking fresh-squeezed orange juice & after completing their home school work they quickly ask me what chores I would like for them to do... Oh my, is that really my dream? Honestly, I've never even seen that show/movie/book?

And now? Back to Reality? After a few rocky nights "sleep" with these little girlies being sick and snotty and not able to breath through their noses and both equally pining for my attention, my hugs, my close scent all day long. Ellie Lu has become quite the needy little girl, leading up to this sickness and now that she isn't feeling well? Very few moments of quiet from her. If she is not in my arms you can hear her. Mostly tearless cries, screams really. We blamed it on teeth for a few days there. Then it was maybe a growth spurt or nearing a milestone/adding to her vocabulary, etc...I've tried everything, and I've tried to meet every need. And today at the suggestion of my husband, who was getting the blunt of my snappy attitude and frustration, I put ear plugs into my ears and kept them in for 2 hours! Of course the cries didn't go away. I could still hear her! But I was able to think a little more clearly with the faint sound of cries in the distance... I've never been so annoyed with my child's crying. I have never felt so frustrated for this long of a time. I get more frustrated at myself when I wonder if this is "all I can handle??" Will I just continue to get more and more impatient with each child in our family, when stressful stretches arise?? I don't know what my dreams are anymore.....

I do know that God is a loving God who has given me capabilities as a Wife & Mother, specifically for Aaron, Audrey and Ellie Lu. I know that He wants me to be at my best for them, and He wants me to remember that I will fail, and that He never will. I know that He won't give me more than I can handle, and that my eagerness to love on more of His children is a gift straight from Him.

My hope & prayer as a daughter of Jesus Christ is that I will make Him proud of the gifts He has given me. I hope & prayer that my children feel loved and cared for, even when I make mistakes. I hope & pray that I can continue to ask for guidance and wisdom because you know what? It works.

I hope & pray I can continue to be humbled again like this (what, am I really asking for this feeling again?), so that I may be reminded that I AM NOT IN CONTROL. I can only control my reaction to whatever situation we are in. Sick girls included.

And I hope & pray that I may be given the opportunity to Mother another--or many more--child(ren), depending on what God allows and not necessarily what we as a couple decide.

And I hope & pray that we all get some rest tonight!!!!!!!

Goodnight world!