Just Wait.

Well it has taken me a few days worth of the Girls' nap times, and evenings to finish this post. I thought many a times I should just scratch the whole thing. I mean really, who wants to read this entire thing?? It has got to be my longest post to date. But then I reminded myself that I want to read this. One year, two years, 20 years down the road. I will want to read this. So that is worth it to me to continue to write.

I honestly cannot write out a short version. I guess I could type out those 3 little words:

"IT'S A ____"

But that's too easy. If you want the big reveal and don't already know yet, scroll to the very bottom...otherwise, come with me on this emotional journey I detail from beginning to now.

My Dr. and I get along really well, and in Aaron's words I basically "convinced her to give me an ultrasound". It's true. I may have used phrases like "I feel pretty confident you know how to use that ultrasound machine, what do ya say?" And there may have even been an offering to "practice" on me anytime. She explained how she isn't a trained technician......but, ultimately told me, off-handedly that if I were to "show up" the following week she'd make some time to "practice". :)

It was a Monday.

I only told a few close friends that we'd be getting this opportunity, being that is was so early (17weeks), and I don't like the idea of everyone waiting on an answer for my life. I wanted to just tell people when I knew, on my own terms. Aaron was working, locally. My Mom came over to go to the appointment with me. (sidenote: She got to be there with me when we found out Audrey was a Girl, because Aaron was working and convinced me it was totally fine to not be there, in his words "he'd know eventually"--how gracious. It was very special having my own Momma there when we found I was carrying my first child, a baby girl)

So since Aaron truly didn't mind, my Momma drove over to accompany me again! I had a sweet neighbor friend come watch the girls so we could escape.

With a lump in my throat I told her on the way over how I was very excited to be gifted with another child but that I was really nervous, and that I might be disappointed, either way. Here were my thoughts...

If it is a boy? I'd be terrified. I don't know boys. And I wouldn't have that familiar tiny precious newborn girl. None of those darling little clothes would need to be used, for some reason that seemed sad to me...

If it is a girl? We hadn't yet chosen a girl name, and it lessens my chance to ever raise a boy..if this were to be our last...

We arrive. It began like any regular baby check-up. Weight, blood pressure, heartbeat (thesoundoflove), questions, paperwork..etc. Then my Dr came in the room and said, "okay, let's go!" She lead us into the ultrasound room. I was shaking, like usual, something about the reveal of the child...it's like my destiny is about to be decided for me and it gives me happy/excited/nervous anxiety! I laid down on table and revealed my growing belly. Right away my Dr (the untrained professional, remember), went to town. Another nurse came in to watch for fun. Right away my Dr. said

"Oh, that looks like little boy parts!" The whole room agreed.

I got really excited inside. Something my heart wasn't quite expecting to feel.

"Are you sure?? Is that really a little boy!"

Then she says...

"well...now let's look from this angle...that looks more like the cord there....up that is the cord. Okay now from that angle it looks like girl parts.."

I was quiet. I love girls, I have two beautiful daughters myself! What am I feeling right now? Then I mustered up the words

"Oh, yay, is that really a little Girl! Aww..another little Girl.."

Something in my heart felt disappointed at that moment. Why was I disappointed?? We'd been talking about how we'd probably be having 3 Girls since day one of this pregnancy. It seemed right to have been told I was, most likely, carrying another little Girl. Of course, my untrained ultrasound technician...a.k.a. My Dr. still didn't know, for sure. She kept looking at different angles. My Mom chimed in a few times that it looked more like a girl...the nurse agreed that the cord was probably what we all saw at first...and after a few more angles of "girl parts" and that darned long cord in between the legs, my Dr. concluded with

"If I had to guess I would say 75% Girl, 25% Boy"

Hmmm...

I thanked her for letting me come in to do that, but I think she either sensed I felt disappointed not knowing for sure or she herself was disappointed to not have known for sure. She asked if I'd like to come back next week and see the actual ultrasound tech, just for fun. (Isn't that so nice?)

She walked me up to the appointment counter and told them to book me under "follow-up ultrasound", since they apparently needed a reason for me to keep coming in like that.

I tried to act excited to have seen my child again on the screen with my Mom as we left (it is very exciting because it's unreal to be able to see your child..in a very, makes it real way.), but I left feeling very confused. It was so very nice of my Dr. to even do that, but I felt as if I wished I hadn't come in at all, because it didn't give me anything concrete to leave with...other than the images that I saw.

That night I looked up online ultrasound pictures at 17 weeks. What we saw was definitely the umbelical cord. And the other angle we saw definitely looked like a girl. Nothing we saw looked remotely like the little boy ultrasounds that other Mom's had posted on various websites. I knew then that it was a little girl. Aaron and I quit talking about boys at that point. The next few days we talked about Girl names, future plans with "The Girls", etc...

It made sense to have another girl! We know girls! We have a gazillion articles of pink or purple clothing in this house in various sizes (thanks to Grandma Julie for 90%!!!!!!!). How wonderful to already be set up to add another girl to our Team! Geesh, says on costs of everything really, toys, shoes, blankets, bedding...etc..etc...etc. We know a few amazing families with all girls, and bottom line was, we love Girls!!!

Still...if I'm being completely honest there was this lingering feeling in my heart I didn't quite know how to explain. The closest word I could relate it to would be disappointment. But I couldn't dare allow myself to think like that! We were being blessed with another child, something some people aren't ever given the gift of! I already had two children, how selfish would I be to feel saddened--even just a little bit--at the possibility to never be the Mother of my own little boy??

Possibly selfish, possibly normal.

At one point in the week I was folding laundry and at the bottom of the pile I found a few items I had bought a few weeks prior. They were blue, green, gray colored...a few baby boy things I had bought "just in case". Girls were in the room with me wrestling and playing on the bed and I all of a sudden found myself crying holding these baby boy things. I wouldn't get to use these things I had bought. Would I not have been a good mother to a boy? It's okay though, I thought. I am being entrusted with a child of God, and He must already think I am a good mother to girls. Look at these two beautiful healthy girls that I have been entrusted with! I pulled it together after both girls, not caring why, but still comforting me with their "It's okay Mommy"s and hugs & kisses.

xo I Love them. xo

As the week went on having a Girl seemed like a wonderful gift & the perfect plan, and I had chosen a few beautiful name possibilites. I looked forward to getting out all those clothes from the attic, picturing this little girl in all my favorites with sentimental memories of my other two babies. Aww...I couldn't wait. Oh my, what would I even DO with a baby boy?? I mean all the little toddler boys I know tire me out just by watching them while my girls like to color and read and cuddle and play with dolls... And then there's the diaper changing! What on earth are you supposed to do with THAT THING! Phew...so glad I didn't have to worry about any of that... I'm good with girls. Girls are what I know. :)

Aaron had chosen both the Girls' First Names (with my approval, of course), and he had also had our "someday boy" name chosen from the beginning. Well since we wouldn't be using that one, he said I definitely get to choose this baby girl's name. It would be all up to me! I had a few we both really really liked, but nothing was coming to me for sure.

The week went on.

We went on our annual camp trip (post coming soon) and had a blast as a family! I love our together time. One of the nights I stayed up later than everyone else just to pray and soak up the quietness by the lake, beside the crackleing fire. It was wonderful and relaxing but something in my heart was still unsettled. It wasn't the Girl vs. Boy anymore, I was completely looking forward to Loving this little girl, but her name was undecided and that bothered me. I figure my gracious God has helped make me feel "settled" in the past when I've come to Him, why not come to Him with my name game too?

I prayed sincerely...

Lord, help me feel good about Her name. You already know what Her name is, Lord. I know this...but what is it? Is it ___ or ___ I'm not feeling good about this decision..I need your help Lord. What have you chosen Her name to be?

And then I listened...quietely... but nothing came...

I went on, Lord I feel unsettled in my heart about not knowing Her name, I feel that if I knew Her name I would feel like I know Her even more. What is Her name, Lord... What is Her name...

And then:

"Just Wait"

That's what I felt clear as day stiring in my heart.

"Just Wait"

What does that mean Lord??...Just Wait?? ...Oh I get it..I'm going to be one of those people that waits until She's born and then She will "look" like a ___ or a ___ I never liked those people, but I guess I'll be one of them, that's what you meant...Right??

"Just Wait"

I honestly had NO idea why I felt like I should wait to name Her. I just figured God's a busy man & maybe had a lot on his mind then & wanted to get back to me on that little silly name game question I had for Him.

(sidenote: Nothing is a silly question to Him. Nothing is too small to ask.)

Okay. I'd Wait, apparently, I'd have to. Maybe I'd ask for help again in a few weeks...

It was Sunday night, we returned home from camping. Oh, that's right--I thought--I had my "follow-up ultrasound" appointment tomorrow. It wasn't as much on my mind since, ya know, we already pretty much knew. This time though, a few other's in our family had asked and known we'd be going in. Aaron & I winked at eachother as we told people we were "pretty sure it was a Girl, but we'll see!" Because then everyone could say "Oh you were right!"

Nope, we were already certain it was a girl. She was a Girl.

I didn't arrange for a sitter this time, figure it would be a quick appointment. I took Audrey & Ellie with me first thing in the morning and grabbed my camera at the last second, just for the heck of it, since I hardly ever take the girls to my appointments anyway, figure I might get a cute shot of them.

(Yes I am wearing underwear, but my big belly has begun to block my view of my lower half...and my parents have been waiting for me to finally admit this but... Dear Daughters of Mine, please do not do half of the things I did as a teenager, including piercing your own belly button with a closepin at age 15. Why on earth would that ever be a good idea? You are right. It's not. And when your body stretches out during pregnancy, so will that tiny reminder of foolish rebellion, resulting in it looking like you have two weird looking belly buttons. Not pretty. Keep your belly pretty. Thank you, Love your Momma)

Ellie was pretty interested in seeing "our baby" on the screen, Audrey was more interested in the spinning stool she was sitting in. Which is funny, because I thought it would be opposite reactions from the Girls.

Right off the bat, I told the technician that

"We're pretty sure it's a Girl, based on last week, we're just here to confirm that it really is a Girl. Last week we saw the cord, but also saw Girl parts...blah blah blah"

She told me she'd get a good look then turn the screen so I could see. My attention was turned to Audrey & Ellie, talking to them about what they were doing, my nerves were little to none. Much different than my past 3 ultrasounds. She found baby right away and turned the screen so I could see... I Oohhed and Aahed... I truly did Love her already! And I love being able to see the baby inside of me, it's amazing. Awww...my sweet Baby Girl...Look at Her, isn't She precious already in there!... Aww....

And then my thoughts were interrupted when she pointed and says:

"Okay....You see this right here?"

I hesitantly said I did.

"That is a Baby Boy."

WHAT!

ARE YOU SURE?

I began to cry.

"Is that Really a BOY?"

She barely turned the doppler on my belly, giving me a second view..

"Yes, that is definitely a Boy in there!"

I covered my face, tears ran down my face, which I was instantly embarrased about.

"Oh my goodness, that is wonderful news.. I just can't... Oh my goodness... I just cannot believe it. Oh my goodness... A Boy!"

I tried to share the news with Spinning McGee (Audrey), who was very not interested at that point. And Ellie, who was then trying to climb onto my belly.

I just kept saying "Oh my goodness, I cannot believe it. So...are we sure-sure??"

It was confirmed about 4x, then my Dr peeked her head in the room and says "Well??" I said in a VERY confused loud, almost gasping, voice:

"It's a Boy?!?"

She cheered (she has 3 boys herself), and came in for a closer look on the screen, her exact words were:

"Woah! We did not see THAT last week!!! Yes, that is definitely a little Boy in there!"

Then the technician showed me a few more angles--by request--definitely confirming this little precious Boy, this SON of mine. She printed off a few pictures, and sent us on our way. My Dr. hugged me in the hallway, congratulating my, still confused self, and our family. And Audrey--the one who acted very uninterested--left the room yelling:

"I'm having a Baby Brother!!"

She was thrilled, and the staff found it very adorable. :)

I left in total shock. And total excitement. God is Good.

My Mom happened to call right when we got into the elevator to leave so I told her the exciting news. She and I just laughed and laughed and could not believe it!

We left my Dr.s and went down the street to Aaron's office, hoping he would be there. He was out on the road, and too far away to come back, so he called me... I played it off cool so we could surprise him in person. He Never Asked Directly Boy or Girl! This was our conversation:

Oh I was just thought we'd stop by and see if you were there, they printed me some pretty cute profile shots I wanted to show you. We have a pretty cute baby!

"Oh so, was the cord out of the way?"

Yup, cord was definitely out of the way this time.

"Well that's good. Well Okay Babe, her name is going to be totally up to you, so you'll have to be thinking of some good names!"

Oh yeah? Totally up to me huh? Okay I'll be thinking about it, we've got some time. Are you going to be home for lunch?

"Yeah, I'll be home in about an hour."

Okay that sounds good, we might go run an errand then we'll be home then too.

Good-byes ~ Good-byes..

And my ear to ear grin because I kept my voice calm & HE NEVER ASKED DIRECTLY! Awww...I was thrilled! :)

I called my Mom back to laugh and laugh and express how "in shock" I still was.

A BOY!?

I took the girls to the nearby dollar store and we bought 3 blue balloons.

Then we picked up a few sandwiches and headed home to eagerly await.

When Aaron got home I greeted him with a kiss and the ultrasound pictures.

Then while I got the camera out I told him I'd taken a few cute pics of the girls while at the appointment. As he looked over the pictures with the words

"Looks like a Boy!" typed on them, I snapped these pictures:

To be honest....when I was done taking pictures and he was done looking at ultrasound pictures he said he didn't know what he was looking at... :)

"It's a freaking BOY. We are having a BOY! You have a SON!"

I know that sounds a bit extreme, but I wanted him to share in my excitement/shock, and best I knew how to do that was to almost shout it out! :)

He was also very surprised. I think it took awhile to sink in. Since we both truly thought it was a girl, there was something about hearing we were wrong that was unsettleing, yet exciteing at the same time.

I really didn't know I would "desire" a son, until it looked like I was having less and less of a chance to raise one. He knew my Heart's desire, and He was laughing at me leading up to His reveal. "Just Wait" I heard over the crackle of the campfire...

"Just Wait" A girl's name wouldn't be needed...

"Just Wait" until you find out I am entrusting you with a Son.

Just Wait.

This little life is so worth waiting for.

Just Wait.

xo Hunter Thomas Roth xo

My Precious Son.

I can hardly wait to see what your little life will bring!

I LOVE YOU ALREADY!

Love, Your Momma