In the Birthing Zone

I am never more obsessed with the calendar as when I am waiting on the birth of my babies.

The due date month always seems so far away at the beginning.  I look at each month and each week and anticipate what life will be like, or more specifically what a certain planned activity will be like when I'm 16 weeks pregnant...24 weeks pregnant.....32 weeks pregnant.... etc.

The last 6 weeks of my scheduled due date totally consumes me.  I am aware of many stories of Mommas who give birth weeks early.  My first baby was born 2 weeks early and my second baby was born one week early...so giving birth "early" has become part of my mentality of something that just happens.  I give birth early.  I truly thought with all my discomforts that this baby, my third, would be even earlier than the last two.

But here I am, 38 weeks pregnant.  I have been anticipating on giving birth for the last, oh, 3 weeks.  Each day could have been the day in my mind.  And it wasn't.  Each day my eyes seem to gaze up several times a day towards our calendar obsessing over when I will go into labor.  I do not normally get obsessed over numbers and dates as when I am waiting for the birth of one of my babies.  Frankly, there are certain numbers I just don't like.  That is silly and unreasonable and completely out of my control, but I still look at dates and think....okay this would be a good one, well I don't really like that number, so we could skip over that one and maybe I could labor on the evening of that date I don't like...then actually have him after midnight on that date so his birthday would be a good number...an old fling's birthday is on that date, hopefully we could skip over that date...another family birthday is already on this date...etc...etc...  I torture myself with wondering when he will arrive.  It's been this way with every birth. 

I cannot imagine what other Moms go through when they actually PASS their due date!  I have never been in that position and cannot even imagine what my mind would do.  I have been making plans to pass the time, but secretly each time I make a plan I instantly think to myself...well I'll be having a baby that day anyway or at least will still be in the hospital...so I won't be able to make it.  And here I am, making and keeping plans. 

I am at the point where each night by about 7pm I am totally shocked that I have not gone into labor yet.

Am I ready? 

Physically, yes.

Mentally, yes.

Baby things, yes.

House in order, for the most part.

Freezer meals prepped for my family, yes

But really and truly, I'm just ready to meet this little guy.  I have done this two times already, so I am well aware that its doable and I will do it.  I also am aware this time of what it will require of me to care for a newborn. 

Nursing...getting by on very little sleep...toddlers that need entertained...fed...loved on...husbands that need food & appreciation...many diaper changes...poop explosions...lots of baby cries...potential toddler tantrums...potty training reverted...siblings needing to be included...patience...gratitude...humbled...mesmerized...blessed...exhausted...confident...helpless...

So many emotions come with a newborn.  Of course being that this is my third time around I can anticipate life with a newborn a little easier....but every child is different.  Including my two busy toddlers who will have life really altered for them, until we can all get into a groove.

It will be hard.

It will be tiring.

It will be fun.

It will be different.

It will be new.

It will be amazing.

It will be exciting.

It will be okay.

I've begun to really pray for Hunter lately.  I'm saddened I have not taken this entire pregnancy to pray deeply for him physically, mentally, spiritually, etc...Girls have distracted me, life is busy, I'm just a selfish person...so many excuses why I have not prayed deeply...what I like to call "surface level" prayers have come & gone...for his health and safety in the womb, for my health and safety as I carry him... thanksgiving prayers for pregnancy, for carrying a child, for being entrusted with life...

But because I have been awakened so many times in the night lately due to full bladder or bodily discomforts (even despite my 7 pillows...), it has really made me focus on very specific prayers for Hunter, for myself, for our family.  And for that I am really grateful.  For this time I am really grateful.

Time is not up to me.  When Hunter Thomas arrives will have been the exact day, hour and second that God decided long before he was placed in my womb.  That's amazing.  So what have I done with that information?  Continue to be consumed my dates...numbers...fears...unknowns...

Talk about faithless!

One day at a time, Ginny. 

Focus more on my prayers... my husband... my children... my home...

Focus less on dates... numbers... fears... unknowns.. to-dos..

Of course it is natural for me to wonder when labor will begin, how I will handle the pain, and when he will arrive.  But, I need to make a strong effort not to be so focused on things out of my control.

God's in control of my life & His plan for Hunter's life!

Deep Breathe.

One day at a time.